Snakes Alive!
by firewolfsg
Summary: The plot bunny for this intended RLSS fic was inspired by Drusilla Dax's fic 'Mutatis Mutandis' written for flamingsaphire's challenge, 'The Snake Challenge.'NB:... Snake Speech


DISCLAIMER: J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers and their related parties hold the copyright to all names, likeness and rights of Harry Potter. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.

* * *

**Snakes Alive**

Prologue(?)  
By firewolf   
_April 2006 _

They were so dead. A fact Ron could not help but mutter incessantly as Harry lead him, Hermione, Neville, and his sister Ginny towards the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

At the least, this meeting would mark the end of the most uncomfortable Easter Harry had ever had since he started at Hogwarts. That said a lot considering it should have been one of the best holidays Harry would have had, since this sixth year saw his godfather, Sirius Black, 'returned from the dead' and cleared of murder by the ministry.

However, this joy in the opportunity to stay with said godfather, from now on rather than with his aunt's family, was very much muted by the 'incident' before the Easter break. After all, facing a very real charge for expulsion could dampen any happiness over the holidays.

Sirius, unfortunately, was no help in alleviating his sense of doom. Trust the ex-Marauder to find humour in Professor Snape's troubles. He had laughed for 15 minutes straight after a white-faced Harry confessed his sins. It made Harry quite sure his godfather did not understand the gravity of the situation.

"Children?" Their Head of House, McGonagal's countenance was no less stern now than when they last parted as she met them at the door and pointed towards the front of Dumbledore's desk.

A surreptitious glance at her left hand gave the sombre group little hope. The Deputy Headmistress' hand, though almost at its correct size now, was still covered in fur.

Harry winced in memory of her screams after the potion touched her hand despite Snape's best efforts to warn her away. It had been horrible to witness how her hand shrunk before their eyes into a tiny cat's paw. The pain in her voice and visage was too clear to their eyes. He shuddered again to recollect how Snape had done his best to shield them from the potion and its effects.

Fortunately, the potion hadn't affected them. However, had they been trained animagi like Professor McGonagal and Professor Snape...

Standing before Dumbledore, Harry and his friends looked up fearfully, waiting to hear his judgement. Once upon a time, the Headmaster could frustrated him with his twinkling, knowing eyes, now the lack of a twinkle made him extremely nervous and wishing to see its return.

"Children, by now I hope you understand why the animagus potion is tightly controlled by the Ministry?"

They nodded solemnly. "Is-is Professor Snape okay?" Ginny asked softly.

Dumbledore sighed as he reached beside him to pick up and place a portable snake tank on the table before them. They gaped at it in growing horror and deepening fright.

"We're dead. We're dead." Ron's muttering was now joined by Neville's weeping.

"St-St. Mungo couldn't..." Harry trailed off weakly as he stared at the tainted-glassed snake tank.

A snort could be clearly heard in the room, while Professor McGonagal raised a pointed eyebrow at Hermione. "Miss Granger, perhaps you've some new information to share? I understand Arthur Weasley was kind enough to give you some literature regarding certain Ministry restricted potions? "

"The-" Hermione's face was white as she stared unblinking at the snake tank. "The-- Animagus Potion is controlled by the Ministry because if brewed improperly, it-it can lock an already practiced animagus into their animal form."

Dumbledore waited patiently and raised his own eyebrow at her to indicate that she should complete her statement.

"Permanently." Her pronouncement though soft, sounded like a clap of doom to the cohorts.

"Thank you, Miss Granger." Dumbledore nodded to the girl as another snort erupted from the snake tank.

"Sir! We're sorry we didn't know! We didn't realise--!"

#That potion substitutions and experimentation should not be made without supervision by a trained Potions Master?! I would have expected Miss Granger at the least to have the proper respect for potions creation and experimentation!#

Harry blanched as everyone in the room turned towards him expectantly since he was clearly the only one who could understand the fierce hissing coming from the snake tank. "Er… Sna-Professor Snape said that--that he would have expected Hermione to--have known that potions experimentation and substitution should be under the supervision of a Potions Master."

#Good enough, Potter. Thank you.# Harry's eyebrows shot up at receiving Snape's words of gratitude.

"S-Sir, are-is your transformation…" Neville didn't want to finish the sentence.

"Fortunately, no." Professor McGonagal lifted her be-furred hand at them. "It just takes time for the potion to cycle through our systems.

"While my hand will be back to normal by the end of term, Severus, unfortunately, has a very slow metabolism as a snake."

The snake in the tank snorted again. Dumbledore's lips twitched. It was the first and only reassuring gesture Harry had seen so far. Hope flared within him that they wouldn't be expelled for their stint of illegal potions brewing after all. However, he did wish that they'd get it over with and set their punishment.

"Unfortunately too, this occurred a few months shy of the end of the school year, so it presented us with many problems in arranging a substitute potions instructor." Dumbledore told them warily. "We have managed, however, to adept as best as we can." The snake's snort at this statement was almost explosive.

"Severus, you know we have no choice." Professor McGonagal tapped lightly on the tank.

#Fine, as long as the mutt follows my lesson plans and ensures the OWLS and NEWTS students are well prepared for their exams...# Harry translated the snake's grumpy hisses with a questioning look towards the Headmaster.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled at them, making them feel a little bit more assured about their position. "Yes, Professor Tucker will be taking over the Potions classes while Professor Snape is--indisposed. And we've invited Remus Lupin to teach DADA in his stead for the rest of the year."

The students looked askance at the news. They were delighted to have Professor Lupin return, and hopeful that his Lycanthropy would not pose a problem to his class schedule nor cause discomfort among his students. However, after nearly six years under Snape, it would be interesting to see how Potions classes were going to be under a different teacher.

Snape made a grumpy sigh, but the following hiss sounded thoughtful. #I've half a mind to wish the mutt good luck dealing with Longbottom.#

Harry almost choked in laughter when an image appeared in his mind of a potion drenched and multicoloured Professor Tucker standing beside his cringing friend. Well, at least he could see that being a snake hadn't impaired the Professor's skill at Legilimency.

#I still think you're punishing the wrong party.#

"Huh?" Harry looked at the snake tank in puzzlement before Dumbledore cleared his throat to catch his attention.

"Well children, Professor Snape has graciously decided not to press charges and he has agreed with us that expulsion would be a waste of talents that he would rather harness." Their faces lit up.

"However!" Dumbledore looked sternly at each of them. "Should any of you engage in potions brewing again without the supervision of a Potions Master or an instructor, I will throw the book at you, no matter how harmless the potion you make is.

"Am. I. Clear."

"Yes, Sir!" They snapped to attention before him.

After looking at each of them in turn to confirm their sincerity, Dumbledore finally leaned back and breathed out in a long sigh. "And now to your punishment… Professor McGonagal's point loss decree stands at 50 points apiece."

They winced, losing 250 points placed Gryffindor dead last for the House Cup. They were never going to recover the points in time before the end of the year. Their housemates were going to hate them.

"You have three week's detention with Mr. Finch. And… considering the great difficulty you have cause Professor Snape, you are now charged to see to his care and well being until he can transform back."

A grumpy snort came from the tank. #I don't understand why you can't just leave me alone in my quarters. Changing my water, and giving me a plate of food every other day will be sufficient attention.#

"Er-Sir?"

"Fortunately, using Legilimency allows me to understand Professor Snape despite the language barrier, so I know well enough what he wishes to do, Harry." Dumbledore shook his head. "But I would rather not leave Severus alone and brooding in his quarters for the foreseeable months it will take him to recover.

"And since you're the only one who can understand him without the use of Legilimency..."

The snake snorted again.

"Come now, Severus." McGonagal tapped lightly on the tank in encouragement. "It's almost time for dinner and you might as well come out. We'll need to have the students get used to seeing you as you are."

The angry buzz of the snake's rattle hung loud in the air making the students blanched in memory of the fearsome apparition the four foot snake had presented to them in the dimly lit Room of Requirement. Understandably, the professor had intended to look frightening as he hissed and flared out his hood and wings to warn McGonagal against coming any closer to the potion that had drenched the walls and floor of the room. The menacing figure it presented had achieved its purpose and given Harry enough time to recover from his shock to translate the snake's hissed warning before greater damage could be done.

As it was, they were very lucky that the Deputy Headmistress had only touched the potion with one hand when she caught hold of Ginny's arm to pull her away as she brandished her wand at the dangerous looking creature. The animagus couldn't have known that she had been in far greater peril than the students. The disaster would have been far worse if McGonagal had stepped into any of the puddles of potion.

"Come now, you vain thing. No one's going to laugh, you are beautiful." McGonagal smiled indulgently as she looked towards the twinkling Headmaster. The snake snorted again, but at least Snape stopped shaking the rattle at the end of his tail.

"Please sir." Neville spoke very solemnly to the tainted snake tank. "We're very sorry and we-" He looked as each of his cohorts. "We won't laugh or tease you."

With a very put upon sigh, the snake rustled within the tank and cautiously poked its head out before emerging fully. Harry gasped in appreciation as they got their first look at their transformed potions professor in good light.

A rich emerald green with a deep red belly and a black tipped white rattle on its tail, the Quetzalcoatl was in one word 'beautiful'. The fluffy feather like golden hood and wings, however, added another element to its description.

"Aawww, he's so cute!"

* * *

"Way to go, Ginny." Ron grumped as he led the way to the great hall for dinner. "Snape may have forgiven us for trapping him in his animagus form, but I seriously doubt he's going to forget that squeal."

"Well, I'm sorry. But he does look cute." Ginny sniffed unrepentantly.

"He's also highly poisonous." Hermione looked warily at them as she self-consciously took a seat at the Gryffindor table, very aware of the angry glares most of their housemates were directing at them. The 250 point loss was not going to be forgiven easily. "Professor McGonagal said that she'll make sure all the prefects carry a few vials of antivenin with them, just in case."

Neville gulped. "Will it be any use? I mean, Hagrid's told us that a Quetzalcoatl can shoot its poison a distance of 20 feet."

Ron paled at being reminded of that little fact. "Snape won't really hurt students... would he?"

"He's a snake or at least part snake now. He may not be able to help himself." Hermione grimaced.

"So we'll just have to make sure no one irritates him." Harry patted Ron's arm in reassurance.

In the early months of their sixth year when he finally master Occlumency under Dumbledore and Snape's relentless instruction, Harry had come to realise that, however much Snape may posture and threaten, their Potions Master would never deliberately harm a student.

Thinking of those tiring lessons though, chaffed at him. He still felt a trifle out of sorts over the cruel deception played upon him regarding his godfather's 'death'.

Harry had understood the reasons behind the secrecy. He was level headed enough to recognise that until he mastered Occlumency he would be the Order's greatest security leak.

It put into perspective Snape's need to 'bully' Harry and his friends when it was very possible for Voldermort to spy on his actions through Harry. Snape's public persona never changed after Harry proved his competency. But in private, the Potions Master had become easier to relate to.

The best part about finally mastering Occlumency was being trusted to receive the revelation that his godfather was alive. Harry had at first been furious with the Order for keeping it a secret from him. But he understood the need, opportunity, and advantage the deception had created. The Order would certainly have missed a chance to apprehend Pettigrew and a score newly recruited Deatheaters if Sirius had not been at liberty to move about freely.

Harry smiled as he looked towards the high table where their former DADA and now new Potions teacher grinned at them. Even now, only selected members of the Order knew that Sirius Black still lived. To all others, he was Rustle Tucker, a blond-haired, violet-eyed American wanderer who did odd jobs to upkeep himself wherever he may have momentarily settled.

It came as quite a shock for Harry and his friends to learn that this identity had been created by Snape, Lupin, Black and Moody during a drinking session one warm summer evening while Snape griped to them about trying to teach Occlumency competently while maintaining his cover. The morning-after's assessment over a cup of Snape's hangover tea gave the 'make-over' party plenty of food for thought. The addition of accessories like an eyebrow piercing, coloured contact lenses, and a facial tattoo added to the disguise. And after a meeting with Dumbledore to hash out details, Russ Tucker, an American muggle born nephew of Dumbledore joined the Order's ranks. And Snape had a lesson plan for Harry that would not put his cover at risk.

For the next several weeks, Harry had no idea that the Order member who was grilling him with Occlumency tutorials, outside his theory lectures with Snape, was his Godfather. And it took several weeks more for the secret to come out as McGonagal and Lupin were quick to pickup the practical tutorials from Russ once Harry began showing improvement.

It was a long hard road of study for Harry with the final assessments of his skill lying with Dumbledore and Snape. Neither of the men openly attacked Harry with Legilimency and took it in turns to leave a word or phrase with him for the other party to discover. Time after time, Harry would fail to keep his teachers from quietly invading his mind and stealing the 'secrets.'

The long lectures that Dumbledore gave him, which followed each failure to guard the 'secret,' were not pleasant since they would rehash material he already knew by heart. At the least, since he had several instructors this term, they knew that Harry's difficulties weren't with Snape.

When Harry had at last mastered Occlumency though, the rewards were more than worth all his hard work. He would never forget his joy when he saw the familiar looking Grim step around Dumbledore to approach him on Christmas day. His shock and anger to see the Grim become Rustle Tucker, however, took a while to get over.

Intellectually, he understood why the deception was in place. Emotionally, however, it was hard to forgive Sirius for the heart ache that was caused by his perceived loss. It had taken weeks of brutally honest self examination over the summer to recognise and dismiss the hatred he bore for Snape and Dumbledore for their part, or lack thereof, in Sirius' 'death'.

Harry had had to grow up and give credence to the danger that surrounded him. He had realised that it was easy to lay the blame of Sirius' death on Snape since that allowed him to disregard his own part in the debacle. However, Harry's own innate honesty demanded that he recognise Snape's limitations within the framework of his spying activities, and to acknowledge Dumbledore's assertion that the Potions Master had done as much as he could to check on Sirius' safety.

At the end of the day, Harry recognised that he could not put sole blame on Snape for Sirius' death. The resumption of the Occlumency lessons was Harry's responsibility since he was supposed to approach Snape. During the crisis Snape had performed his Order duties forthrightly while maintaining his cover.

If Harry had only remembered the communication mirror Sirius gave him, he would not have begged Snape to check on Sirius. If Snape had neglected his duties to the Light like Harry supposed he did, the Order members would never have appeared at the Ministry to help Harry's hastily formed rescue team. If Sirius had not disobeyed Dumbledore's direct order to stay in the house, he would not have fallen into the Veil.

It was difficult for Harry to objectively recognise his culpability as well as Sirius'. But he did and moved on, beginning the term with a sincere apology to Snape for invading his privacy and for his harsh words following Sirius' 'death.'

Hermione nudged him to rouse him from his introspection when Professor Dumbledore and McGonagal finally entered, with the headmaster carrying the snake tank. In all, the meal had proceeded in its usual fashion, though there were several questioning looks directed towards the absent Potions Master's seat.

A significant number of those looks were agitated and worried. It took Hermione to point out to him that most were cast by Ravenclaw OWLS and NEWTS students.

To be fair, the OWLS and NEWTS students would be rightly concerned about having to face the most important exams in their school career without their Potions Master. The classes after the Easter break were when the teachers conducted intensive revision work with the students. Harry wondered if Professor 'Tucker' was going to be up to the task.

All eyes were on Dumbledore when he finally stood to make the after dinner announcements. "Students, as you may have noticed, our Potions Master appears to be absen--"

"But sir! We're having our NEWTS in a few weeks. He wouldn't have abandoned us." A Slytherin 7th year had leaped to his feet in agitated protest.

Dumbledore raised his hand to the worried murmuring that rose with the student's words. "Fear not, we have arranged for a substitute to teach on Professor Snape's behalf.

"You are all familiar with Professor Tucker, who has been teaching you DADA this year. He will be taking over Potions, while Professor Lupin has returned to teach his class. I'm sure our current NEWTS and OWLS students remember Professor Lupin from when he taught you 3 years ago.

While the DADA NEWTS and OWLS students looked comfortable and reassured, the Potions students were eyeing their ex-DADA teacher sceptically. It was rather noticeable that Professor Tucker was starting to look worried over the measuring stares a good number of the students were giving him.

"I am sure you will be happy to know that our Potions Master will still be in residence, even if he is-- indispose."

"Was Professor Snape hurt? May we visit him?"

Harry wasn't sure why he felt gratified to hear genuine worry in Draco Malfoy's voice. At the least, he was glad to know that the Slytherin was concerned about his Head of House.

"Fear not Mr. Malfoy, Professor Snape is well, but he is rather-- inconvenienced by an accident he was involved in just before the Easter break."

At this, all eyes at the Griffindor table turned to look speculatively at Harry and his friends. Thus reminded of the huge point loss by Griffindor, the Slytherins, as a House, plus a good number of OWLS and NEWTS students from the other houses started to glare at them.

"Just what did you and your friends do to our Head of House, Potter?" Draco hissed angrily.

As a group, their faces turned red in embarrassment. Fortunately for them, the Headmaster cleared his throat to bring the attention of the hall back to him. "Please be assured that Professor Snape was unhurt. He has truly only been inconvenienced."

At this, Professor McGonagal lifted the portable snake tank from the Potions Master's seat beside her and placed it on the table. The reaction from the Slytherin table was instantaneous.

"Bloody hell, you locked him in his animagus form?" Draco looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or be upset for his Head of House. It figured that the Slytherin would be familiar with Snape's other form.

The other Houses looked towards the head table curiously wondering what sort of snake Snape was. There were mutterings around the student tables that it was no surprise the Head of Slytherin had a snake form as his animal alter ego.

McGonagal tapped lightly on the dark-tainted snake tank. "Come now Severus, the students do need to get used to you."

Even from his seat at the Griffindor table, Harry could hear the Quetzalcoatl's grumpy snort of misery. This time it was Hagrid who coaxed him out. And while he did that, Hermione noticed, with a wince, that both Professor Lupin and Tucker were drawing away slightly with wary looks on their faces.

"Please, P'fessor." The half giant pleaded. "I ain't never had a chance ta bring in a Quetzalcoatl ta show m' class. Kids only read about 'em."

Thus coaxed, Snape finally emerge from his refuge to the very pleased and appreciative gasp of many of the staff. "'es beautiful, ain't 'e?" Hagrid breathed to no one in particular.

It was a sentiment that many would agree with as they stared at the magnificent green, red and gold creature slithering sinuously from the snake tank. Whispers quickly started among the students, with many of the middle years reminding their housemates of the Quetzalcoatl's features. In particular, its highly poisonous nature. There was therefore many pale faces that regarded the changed Potions Master.

Unfortunately for Snape, having been cooped up for far too long in the cramped snake tank, when given the opportunity he could not resist allowing himself a good stretch. With the unfurling of his fluffy golden wings and hood, he presented an image which caused many of the younger students to form the same opinion as Ginny Weasley.

"Aww, he's so cute!" was heard among the student tables a rather disconcerting number of times.

* * *

Harry was trying very hard not to laugh but Snape was making it bloody difficult to keep a straight face. The snakefied-Snape was certainly a whole lot more 'entertaining' than human-Snape. The rest of his year mates had long striven to turn away and ignore the Quetzalcoatl that was slither-pacing in front of the fire place in the Griffindor Common Room.

Snape was having a major sulk, totally upset over being dubbed 'cute'. Harry just wished he'd stop 'pacing' as he muttered under his breath about juvenile dunderheads who didn't know how to recognize danger and have the proper respect for poisonous magical creatures.

The Professor didn't seem to notice that he'd flap his wings every so often in his frustration, which caused his body to rise off the ground. And of course, since he didn't continue flapping, he'd land again. The effect was that the Quetzalcoatl appeared to be slithering and hopping in time to its muttered hisses.

Harry couldn't decide whether it appeared funnier to him because he understood what Snape was saying, or to his friends who only heard the grumpy hissing. One thing was quite certain though. If Griffindor didn't want to get blasted into negative points, they had damn well stifle any snickering in the Quetzalcoatl's presence.

#Honestly, Potter. Didn't Hagid cover Quetzalcoatl in Third year?# Snape finally flew up to hover in front of the 6th year boy. #Didn't he explain why I'm so colourful?#

Harry gamely nodded and dredged his memories to recite some other facts. "Yes, sir. Your poison is similar in nature to that of an unmagical coral snake which can be just as colourful."

"Though you're much more poisonous, Professor Snape." Hermione chimed in as she felt in her pockets for the vial of anti-venom all the prefects had been issued.

#Exactly! So how can the dunderheads dismiss me so easily with-- with-- 'cute'.# Even though they didn't understand parseltongue like Harry, the pure distaste in the hisses could not be mistaken by the other Griffindors.

"I'm sure they're being corrected at every opportunity, sir." Ron tried valiantly to stay solemn as the huffy Quetzalcoatl now 'bounced' in mid-air as it hissed.

Lavender and Pavarti had hands determinedly clamped over their mouths. The antics of the Quetzalcoatl was hammering on their desire to squeal at its pure 'cute-ness'. Something they knew would annoy the already irritated Snape. And they wanted to live to see graduation, thank you very much.

Given the Professor's high-strung state, it was most unfortunate that a group of first years chose that moment to enter. "Oh, I hear Harry Potter's going to be taking care of Professor Snape."

"I hope he brought him to the Common Room. He's so cute!"

#I AM NOT CUTE!# The Quetzalcoatl caught everyone by surprise as it changed at the first years with its jaws wide and fangs gleaming.

The firsties stampeded out the door screaming. Very slowly, the Quetzalcoatl turned to face the boy lying flat out on the floor behind him and still holding onto the rattle on the end of his tail.

No one dared to breathe as Neville slowly looked up in stark white fear. Hermione was scrambling in her pocket for the vial of anti-venom which she had released in shock at seeing Snape's attempted attack. But life took a surreal turn when Harry fell off his feet with the hiss from the Quetzalcoatl.

"Ten points?!" The boy spluttered as he sat up to stare at Snape who was now tugging on his tail to try and get Neville to release him. "Did you just award Griffindor ten points for Neville catching you?"

#Of course, his behaviour should be encouraged. It's about time we saw more of the Longbottom courage that made his parents famous.#

Everyone's jaw dropped at Harry's translation. Neville's pleasure at hearing this unexpected praise was immediately forgotten by the boy as he had an epiphany. "You faker! You'd never deliberately hurt a student, would you, Professor?"

#Of course not. I'm a teacher. However much we'd like to wring your little necks, we never will. Your teachers have the responsibility to protect as well as teach all you little monsters.#

As Harry translated, Hermione stared at the Quetzalcoatl which had now settled itself in front of the fire again. "Then what was all that about?" She asked gesturing towards the door the firsties fled through.

If the Quetzalcoatl could smirk, Harry was sure it would have. #Job perks.#

Less than 5 minutes later, McGonagal came charging into the Griffindor Common Room with a drawn wand. She found her 6th years in a state of laughter with a few even rolling on the floor holding their sides. Professor Snape was sitting at the fire place fastidiously preening his wings. She could read the signs.

"Having fun, Severus?"

It took a short while for Harry to compose himself enough to translate the short, dignified little hiss. "Tons."

McGonagal rolled her eyes and tucked away her wand before leaving to reassure her frightened first years. It was going to be an interesting term.

**To be continued?**  
Probably, but I haven't managed to get very much further yet.

* * *

Bunny inspired by  
Drusilla Dax's fic 'Mutatis Mutandis' written for:  
The Snake Challenge  
Harry's class is learning about the Animagus potion and Neville's potion goes wrong (was there any doubt?) and gets splattered all over Snape, who forcibly reverts into his Animagus form... a Snake or Serpent of your choosing. Since Neville made the potion wrong, Snape can't change back until it wears of... which will take a month. Since Harry is the only one who can understand the snakified Snape, he gets ordered by Dumbledore to take care of the Professor... and stuff () happens.  
Must have:  
- The Slytherin Head of House in a glass-box... in the Gryffindor common room  
- Harry has a Quidditch match and no "Snake sitter" so he takes the Snapesnake with him, flying.  
- Snake and Boy sharing a bed... what happens when Snape reverts to his human form during his sleep... Harry learns his most embarrassing secret: he's a cuddler (hmmm.. naked cuddly Snape)  
Can have:  
- Snape embarrassed by his Animagus form cause it is rather colourful  
- Hedwig jealous at the snake cause it is stealing her Harry's attention  
- Snape not happy with the substitute potion teacher and poor Harry his translator getting caught in the middle. 

Thanks for reading.

firewolf


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